As Justice Collapsed Around Me
by Josephine Falnor
Summary: Mello and Matt have left Wammy's and Mello is working for the mafia. He learns that killing people is more difficult than he thought it would be, and has a breakdown after his first murder. Matt/Mello Shonen-ai. Rated T for talk of murder and swearing.


_**Author's Note: So, I'm really terrible for, once again, making you all wait for the next chapter to Praying to be Saved. Don't worry. I've been working on that today too, and I hope to have it up within the week. **_

_**For now, this piece came to me a couple days ago. I just wanted to write something really dramatic. It's sort of a follow up to "Ornaments" written by xxbeyondxbirthdayxx. That story was a one-shot written about when Matt and Mello leave Wammy's House, but in that version, as opposed to in my version, Matt went with Mello. If you haven't already read her work, you should go check it out! She's an excellent author.**_

_**Anyways, I hope you all enjoy! And please forgive me for taking so long on chapter 6! Like I said, it's coming soon! ^_^**_

**_Oh, also, I don't own Death Note AT ALL. If I did, Mello/Matt would be a canon pairing._**

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Mello stormed back to his room, marching straight past Matt when he entered, determined not to look at him.

"Mello? What's wrong?" Matt asked, looking up from his game.

Mello didn't reply. Rather he went straight to the small bathroom he and Matt shared, closed the door, and locked it. He stood still for a moment before collapsing on the floor in a corner and curling up, his body shaking. He felt tears of anger and frustration at himself come to his eyes, but did his best to force them away.

"I killed that man. He didn't even do anything to me, and I shot him dead." The thought ran through his head over and over like a broken record, and he couldn't push it away. He had been raised to one day succeed the century's greatest detective; he was supposed to become justice; he was supposed to stop people from doing the exact same thing he'd just done. "I had no choice. This is the only way I can support myself and Matt; the only way I can get the connections I need to work on the case…if I hadn't done it, they'd have kicked me out, or worse…" he told himself, trying to justify his actions, but it didn't help. He had taken a life, and while it was the first, it wouldn't be the last.

Matt had stood up and gone to the bathroom door, trying to listen to Mello. "Is he…crying?" Matt wondered, hearing the strange muttering coming from the man on the other side of the door. Cautiously, he knocked on the door. "Hey, Mello?" he said softly, not wanting to startle the blonde. "Will you come out and talk to me? What happened?"

When Mello heard Matt's voice, he couldn't stop the tears anymore. How could he tell Matt what he'd done? How could he expect him to stay if he knew the terrible crime he'd committed? He was afraid of disappointing Matt like that, and he was afraid of losing him if he told him.

"Ah…it's nothing. I'll be out in- in a while." Mello choked out, hoping Matt would accept that and leave him alone while he regained his composure.

"Mello, I know you better than that. Something happened. Don't leave me in the dark like this." Matt said calmly, leaning against the door.

Mello tried to be angry, as he thought that would be better than sounding weak. "Leave me alone! Nothing happened! Go away!" he yelled, thankful that he'd been able to get the sentence out without stumbling over the words.

"No Mello…" Matt replied, sighing a little. "…if you don't come out, I'll come in. Don't think I can't pick the lock." He said, hoping he'd be able to find a paper clip or something to open the door with, as he didn't think Mello would give in so easily.

"Don't you know when to quit?!" Mello yelled back, praying that Matt wouldn't open the door to see him huddled in the corner like that. "I don't want to talk to you!!" he added. It wasn't a lie; he really didn't want to talk to Matt. He didn't want to accidently let anything slip about what he did. "Just…just leave me alone…" he said quietly, feeling a little guilty that he was taking his frustration and confusion out on Matt.

"Mello, I can't leave you alone when you're like this. You should know that by now. After all, it's why I'm here in the first place." Matt said, digging in his pocket and finding a thin wire that he hoped would work. "I'm sorry, but I have to come in." he said, sliding the wire into the door handle and moving it around. After a moment, he heard the click of the lock. He pulled the wire out and put it back in his pocket, figuring he might need again sometime if Mello began locking himself in the bathroom on a regular basis, and opened the door.

Mello looked up when the door opened and glared at Matt. "No, I'm not talking right now. Go away." He said, his voice angry. "I don't want you here."

Matt crossed the room and crouched down to look at Mello. "Mells, don't say that." He said quietly, trying to disguise the fact that what Mello said had hurt him. "You can talk to me. Just tell me what happened, alright?"

Mello turned away and looked in the opposite direction. "You don't want to know." He said quietly, trying to make himself stop shaking. "If I tell you, you might not be able to forgive me. I don't want you to know what sort of person I'm becoming." He added in his head.

"I need to know. I hate seeing you like this, and if you don't tell me what's going on, I can't do anything to help." Matt said, debating whether or not he'd be able to touch Mello.

"I don't need help." Mello said coldly, refusing to look at Matt. A moment later, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Then I won't help, I'll listen. Just tell me what's going on. I want to know why you're so shook up." Matt said, squeezing Mello's shoulder.

Mello pushed Matt's hand off of him, knowing that if he stayed in physical contact with him, he might break down and start crying. "Don't touch me."

Matt grabbed Mello by his shoulders and forced him to turn to look at him, holding him tight, not allowing him to turn away. "Mello, don't do this to me. Whatever it is, I'll understand, or try to anyways." He said, more force in his voice than he intended.

Mello looked at him for a moment, not looking away from his eyes. Tears began to collect, falling down his face as they built up. He broke down, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed.

"Matt…I'm so…sorry…" Mello said, his sentences broken. "…I didn't want to kill him…I had no choice…I'm sorry…I never wanted to become…a murderer…"

Matt watched Mello, shocked as he'd never seen him fall apart completely like that. "Mello, it's alright, it was going to happen at some point." He said softly, pulling the blonde close and wrapping his arms around him. He hated that his friend had been in a position where he had no choice but to take a life, but it wasn't surprising to him, as they were working with criminals.

"It's not…alright…" Mello said, struggling to control his shaking body. "…I…we were raised…to stop things like this…from happening. We're supposed to…be justice…like L…" he finished, clutching the front of Matt's shirt like a frightened child.

Matt quietly held onto Mello, hoping he'd be able to calm him down. "Mello, we've made mistakes; there's no getting past that, but we'll live. We'll get through this." He said reassuringly.

Mello was silent, either because he didn't have anything to say, or because he didn't want to say anything. A few minutes later, he loosened his hold on Matt and leaned back up, still not meeting the hacker's eyes, but at least he wasn't crying anymore.

"Can you forgive me? I never wanted this…for either of us…" Mello said quietly.

Matt gently held Mello's chin, turning his face up so he could see his blue eyes. "Mello, I can't think of anything I wouldn't forgive you for. Just please don't keep secrets from me." He said, before lightly kissing the other man's forehead. "I love you too much to see you hate yourself like that."

A few tears escaped from Mello's eyes as he wrapped his arms around Matt, holding him tight. "Thanks Mattie. I love you too."


End file.
